i found this on my computer under caljourney related files. my testimony. it's odd to go back and read this. given that 1) i dont remember what i wrote exactly 2) it again emphasizes the strange distance between the written word and the writer.
I’ve prayed for Jesus to enter my heart more times than I
can remember. It’s absurd. As someone who grew up in the church, my Sunday
school teachers felt especially strongly about “saving” us. We chanted the
prayer to be saved consistently—as if it were some holy ritual. While I don’t
think I’ve ever doubted God’s existence or His Word, I have taken this truth
and shoved it deep down into my pocket without thinking twice about it.
However,
this wall of indifference gradually broke apart when the superficial dramas of
middle school exploded at an exponential rate. With really no one to turn to, I
prayed to God as a last resort. I also began keeping a journal, in which I
recorded my prayers to God. It was mind-blowing to flip through and see my
prayers being answered. I began to view God as the only constant that I could
rely on. Yet, my relationship with him was rather one way and centered upon my own
selfish desires and needs. Still, by His grace, a relationship miraculously
developed out of this selfish and unreciprocated love. By the end of high
school, I felt as if I had this business of following Christ figured out and
had decided to publicly declare my Faith to my church congregation. I remember
how refreshing it was to finally be baptized—thinking that everything would be
sunshine and ice-cream sundaes. I was mistaken.
Christians
entering college have this misconception that their spiritual lives are set. I
know because I fell victim to it and met many that did as well. However, I feel
this rang especially true for me. The month before I entered my freshmen year,
I went on a missions trip to Mexico
with my church youth group that completely challenged my faith and changed my
attitude on life. Prior to the missions trip, I had never felt comfortable with
the idea of leaving everything I had to serve God with my whole heart. What He showed me in Mexico changed
my perception altogether.
Stripped of
the usual frills that accompany our daily lives, our attention centered on God
and His plan for us at that precise moment. Because we took the time to seek
Him and not turn away once we were satisfied, we caught a glimpse of his
immense wonder and infinite love. We saw God working in each other—strengthening
the bonds between our team and the other teams that were there. We saw Him moving
people’s hearts—moving people to tears. In light of the language barrier, he brought
intimacy and unity between us and members of the local church we served at.
From the mundane to the vital, He provided everything that we could possibly
need.
I was
overwhelmed with His love and faithfulness—something in the past that I could
only in conceptualize into terms but not taste. My team lived each day with a
purpose of giving God our all and we learned that diving head first into something
we had no control over could be absolutely thrilling.
So,
entering college, I felt I had my life with Christ all figured out. I wanted to
start a small group in the dorm I lived in. I wanted to evangelize so that
other people could know love and truth. That was then. Things changed without
me even realizing it at first. It’s
funny how every year I feel as if I finally know what it is like to follow
Jesus—and every year I look back realizing how ignorant I am. Long story short,
I joined a club that consumed all of my time; that challenged the way I lived.
This club introduced me to various intoxicating activities that could
temporarily satisfy my hunger for love, intimacy, and purpose. My life
eventually spiraled into a sort of vacuum-like state in which I finally realized
how meaningless and superficial anything without Christ was. It’s scary how
much the truth burns when you’re living a lie.
We are
drawn to sin. Every part of our humanly existence is lured by the world and has
strong inclinations to live in and of it. So it becomes important that we
decide daily whether or not we choose to live for Christ. No one can tell you
what to decide. They can show you, they can counsel you, but ultimately, you
make the decision on whether or not you want to live for God or live for
yourself. The most significant thing I learned my freshmen year of college and
continue learning to this day is that our relationship with Christ is
ongoing—it’s never at a standstill, and when seemingly left at a standstill, it
will deteriorate. You’ve got to make the choice to follow Him. And if you make
this choice to follow Him, you cannot escape being broken. Brokenness
accompanies the path to Christ—you must die to yourself and surrender
everything you are in order to live for Him. There is no doubt that this life we
are called to live is no walk in the park. Thankfully, He provides great
comfort in his Word and faithfulness:
1 Corinthians
10:13 (The Message//Remix) reads, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what
others have had to face. All you need
to remember is that God will never let you down, he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit, He’ll always be there
to help you come through it”
The truth is our paths to Christ are rocky and full of ups
and downs. It isn’t an easy breezy drive on cruise control, but an extreme
bungee jump down a cliff overlooking paradise. It is a wild ride of a lifetime
and beyond. Follow Him and you will live on the edge in a way you could never
imagine. | 
